Sunday, September 1, 2013

Hawaiian Bread is a Gateway Drug

OMG!  That Hawaiian Bread stuff!!!

We had lunch with some friends in the mountains this summer and the mom made these DELICIOUS little sandwiches on Hawaiian Bread.

Let me just say, I don’t want to be known as the piggy guest, but SHE DIDN’T MAKE ENOUGH OF THEM!!!

My daughters and I grab these seemingly innocuous sandwiches off the plate, put them in our mouths thoughtlessly, (hey, we were at the lake – we had other things to do!) and KABOOM!

Blondie and I? Our eyes met.  Our eyes lit up.  And we both said:  MMMmmmm, yummy.

Glowie? Hey – she actually ATE a sandwich, which is always an amazing thing.

And then? It was like driving over a cliff.

That melt in your mouth, soft, soft, soft bread! Why the sweet, light taste of it.

Why it is like the Cotton Candy of Bread!!! Light, airy, sweet and it melts in your mouth!

This stuff is a GateWay Drug. 

Why? You may ask?  Because once you’ve had that scrumptious, tender, Hawaiin bread you, well, you start to … experiment.

You know – Tuna sand with a bit of mayo.  (FYI – Tastes yummy!)

How about with a bit MORE of mayo? (FYI – Tastes so much better!)

I asked myself: “Why do we buy Orowheat Whole Wheat bread?  What was I thinking?”

In case you don’t try to eat healthy, Orowheat Whole Wheat bread?  You could use it as a club to knock home invaders unconscious.

Eat that stuff and you will never have a problem with “regularity” again.

And by healthy – I mean dry and cardboard tasting.  But hey – I’m commited to good health.  (Or am I?)

We got home and I said: “Hey, why don’t WE buy some of that Hawaiian Bread.”

My girls were giddy with the wildness of the idea.

“Mommy, WE could actually BUY that special bread?”

Yep.  Get in the car.

Since then?

Basketfuls of the stuff.

And I’m not talking about that modest hand basket you can pick up at the entrance of the grocery store.

No, I mean the actual shopping cart.  Filled.  With Hawaiian Bread.

Who knew?

It comes in little rolls, big giant honkin’ slabs, dinner roll size…you name it – you can get it.

And then you find out they have Hot Dog Buns!

And can we just digress a little bit about the hot dog bun ones?

Since we had these little hot dog bun sized rolls (Hey – they were on special that day.  OK, they weren’t but that was the lie I told to justify coming home with 5 packages of Hawaiian bread for a family of 4.  Really a family of 3.5 cuz Glowie doesn’t eat much.) it seemed like a good idea to have hot dogs.

Yum. Yum.

Hot dogs in those buttery, soft, melt in your mouth rolls!

“Why, no.  I don’t think it’s a bad idea to have two.  As a matter of fact Mommy would like another one also.”

Every day? Well, we need something for lunch, right? Or after school snack, right? Or lunch AND after school snack, right?

And then there were all the amazing ideas of things you could do with these delicious buns. 

Make sandwiches with LOTS of mayonnaise.  Cuz, hmmm.  How good would THAT taste? (Turns out – pretty damned good!)

Sadly, as with any addiction, you do hit rock bottom.  (Heavy emphasis on “bottom” for this part of the story…)

I did my Back to School Weigh-In.

“Kids! Mommy has some bad news.”


“No one died. But you may take this pretty hard.”

There will be no more Hawaiian Bread in this house.

No, no.

It is back to school.

Back to eating healthy.

Back to Oro Wheat Whole Wheat Bread.

(Yes, we can get a little handcart to roll that Whole Wheat bread from the car to the kitchen.)

So there I am…Throwing out my temptation.  The tiny dinner rolls, the big giant slab of deliciousness, the – gulp- hot dog buns…

Then the withdrawals hit… The crying, shaking, flashes of hot and cold.  Well really just hot. Oh wait, that may not be the Hawaiian Bread.  Shoot, I digress.

Again, the crying, the calling out –No, Please, NOOO!

Oh and the kids took it really hard too.

Cuz there is no reason that Back to School shouldn’t represent the end of everything good in the world.