Thursday, June 13, 2013

I’m not gonna miss this shit!!!

Another School Fundraiser! Yay! (Shit)

Is there a school in America that doesn't have their students sell stuff to make money?

You know a little extra pocket change for things like BOOKS and an AV projector?  (OK – in our school it is called an Elmo System, but I don’t think it has anything to do with Sesame Street.)

Because if such a school exists? I’m sending my kids there.

Not that I don’t enjoy buying some more really ugly wrapping paper or having more scented candles which activate my husband’s allergies?  Cuz I totally enjoy that, being that I aspire to be on the A&E Hoarders show at least once in my life.

But seriously? This stuff is killing me.

Let’s see:  there is peanut brittle (cuz I need me a little more candy in my house), See’s Candy (cuz that’s how you promote healthy eating in the schools), wrapping paper, tchotke stuff, cookie dough (well, let’s not jump to eliminate ALL of these things right off the bat).

Now we don’t have any relatives.  Seriously.  My husband and I are only children and my parents are gone (I love you Mama and Daddy!).

So what is left? 

My kids walking up and down the street trying to sell this shit to the neighbors, or a quick trip to the Mommy Bank.

Well, that’s a viable skill to have, right?  Cold calling, learning how to make a quick pitch, facing rejection early on in life.

Yeah.  None of that is going to happen.

For one thing, I like my neighbors. (OK, most of my neighbors.)

Thing two? I’m not going with them and they aren’t going alone.

Thing three? There is no thing 3 – it just isn't gonna happen.

So here’s what I learned. 

If I buy this crap, not only do I have more stuff to go in my Goodwill bin, but the school only gets 50 cents of the dollar.

So I have solved the problem.

I write a check.

Every time.

Each kid.

Every fundraiser.

I write about 15 checks a year.

I will happily pay cold hard cash to NOT have my children develop their sales skills.  Really?  I’m supposed to prepare them for a future as the Fuller Brush Man or the Avon Lady?

Not happening.

And if they kept track of this stuff at the schools?

I’d be in the platinum cash club.

But they don’t.

All my kids know is that they don’t win the iPad or the Pizza party for having the most sales.

Cuz you know, they are deprived.

I tell them to just cry into the piano, saxophone case, bicycle basket or better yet, the MacBook.

Deprived of some things. But a less crazy Mom?

Uh kids? THAT is a gift!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Check me out on the Today show yesterday...

Rocking the EvaVarro dress on the Today show. God Bless you for dressing big and small! 

15 minutes of fame? Hells Bells, I had 8 nanoseconds yesterday. 
Check me out at

Monday, June 3, 2013

Deluge in NYC. Room service tonight.

I don't want to ruin my blowout.

New York Museum Day

Wait one hot minute! My wet vac could be art?

I'm pretty sure I need one of these

Where's the W? 

Talk about a room with a view.....

Watch out NYC here comes Dee Dee

(Trying not to think of being on 40th floor. Earthquake phobia, you know)

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Traveling comes so easily to me…aka I’m a liar.

Traveling.  That’s like driving to LA from Palm Springs right?

Top the gas tank, charge the devices, and put some extra ativan in the purse.

We have these friends.  I won’t name them. (Bitter-Warning inserted here.)

But they know who they are, they and their two kids.

They are world-wide travelers. (Eye-roll inserted here.)

·         Europe! Almost every year!

·         Paris,Tuscany

·         Manhattan, Washington DC.

·         The Grand Canyon

You get the picture.

And then there’s us.

Here’s our travel itinerary for the past 8 years:

·         The local mountains.

We stay in a trailer.  There is no Chanel atelier.  We BBQ.

There is beer.

And floatie rafts on the lake.  With a special hole in them to carefully place said beer.

And when we are feeling fancy?

There’s wine.  With a screw top.

So let’s discuss packing now that we are on route for our big New York trip!!! 

Packing. It is hard for me to type that word and not have a little bit of pee leak out.

So my plan?

I order a rolling, sturdy, stainless steel clothing rack from Amazon.  And yes, I pay the $15 upgrade for next day shipping.

And then I put everything in my closet on the rack.  To pack.  You know?

I mean there was editing.  I left off the flapper dress and disco queen dress (yes, in Queen size) and a fuchsia boa from Halloweens past.

I mean, I’m a classy person and I’m going to Manhattan for Christ’s Sake.

So I’m pretty sure my entire wardrobe of Resort Bold Floral Print Casual will totally fit in Midtown, right?

And? Cuz I’m so organized? I roll that puppy from room to room collecting everything from my daughters’ closets.

Oddly enough, the children are cowering in the corner of the living room, because the frightening vibration of the overloaded clothing rack has made them think we are sustaining a 6.1 earthquake. 

“Kids”, I say in a high pitched tone, “everything is fine.  FINE!!!  Mommy is just having a hot flash!”

And a flipping panic attack.

“Mommy is PACKING!!!”

Oh wait, maybe I could roll this right onto the plane. 

“I’ll be passing on check-in luggage today, thank you so kindly.”

Cuz really…don’t you know who I am? (Swinging boa around neck haughtily.  Ok, I lied.  I did bring it.)

I’m The Dee View, from Palm Springs – the queen of all things Plus-Size fashion.  (Bigger clothes…bigger suitcases Baby!)

You know…me and Michael Kors. (Another Queen of Plus-Size fashion.)

And the real question is…how will I pack my floatie thing…and my six-pack of beer?

Cuz I may need them in Manhattan.  Right?