Sunday, August 8, 2010

I’m not bendy anymore . . . Not a sex story.

So we bought a kayak.

We had this whole fantasy about buying a boat, but now that our house isn’t worth shit, but our payments are huge, the kayak seemed like the way to go.

But here’s the problem. I’m not bendy like I used to be.

Some of this is age, some of this is weight. (Hey – you try flitting around in heels carting around a couple of hundred pounds. There I said it.)

But most of this is my shitty bones and joints. Four back surgeries, a hip replacement, a major spinal fusion (uh, is there a minor spinal fusion?).

So this old girl can’t twist and turn. Shout yes. Twist and turn, not so much.

Now, the kayak. It would be the “getting in” and the “getting out” which is at issue. By “issue” I mean it is a near engineering impossibility. But I perservere. Cuz I’m an idiot like that.

There is screaming and weeping. And that is just from the guy watching me from the dock. So two big guys (one is my hunky husband) hold the kayak, cooing reassuring words at me (that would be the other guy, my husband had his jaw clenched) that it’s really stable and it won’t tip over.

After three near fatal attempts, I manage to land in and NOT dislocate my fake hip. SCORE!

A lovely evening kayak trip, enjoying the scenery and the fact that I am getting exercise SITTING DOWN! Whoo hoo!

Until it is time to get out of the kayak on another dock.

No extra set of hands and reassuring words. My husband needs to hold the kayak, so he’s not really available to help me.

Many attempts, I’m softly weeping, my husband is starting to get stern, cuz it is getting dark and I’m pretty sure I’m spending the flipping night in the kayak. Which btw, is no longer that comfortable. And don’t you think they could have told you that it fills with water so your ass is soaking wet?

I manage to slide my ass out of the kayak, with trembling arms across the splinter filled dock (no more will be said on THAT subject).

Even getting up off my back (yes, that is how I scooched across) is almost impossible cuz the dock is so narrow. So I’m standing there watching my husband get out.

And I watch, as in slow motion, the kayak moves away from the dock with his legs in the boat and his arms gripping the edge of the dock.

I’m transfixed (which is a nice way to say: I don’t move to offer an assist) as his ass ever so slowly descends into the lake and the kayak gently floats away.

I would have rushed to his aid, except I thought I was going to have a stroke myself. Why? Was I terrified for my dear husband? Well . . . uh, no. I couldn’t get any oxygen cuz I was laughing so hard.

”You know Honey, they say endorphins are good for you, right?”

Uh oh . . . I may have just peed my pants – just a little bit.


  1. We live near a bayou, and I've wanted a kayak for years. Fortunately, the style of boats we can get around here, you sit on top and not in the kayak. With my arthritis and bad knees, we'd have a rerun of your adventure. I may need to rethink this kayak dream.

  2. I was laughing out loud at your hubby going into the lake. Maybe you should try a different water sport- one I prefer- sitting in a deck chair with a fluffy drink and a good book!

    You are the best!

  3. I understand "kayak" is Inuit for "humiliation"...

    Once again, you've got me laughing my butt off (but not dropped into a lake).

    We miss you! Barking dogs & all!

  4. Oh Dee, I loved this. just visualizing your struggles with the kayak had me grinning from ear to ear.
    If you decide that the kayak isn't for you, can I beg you to swap it for a coracle instead - it's like a woven coconut shell of a boat. All the hilarity of a canoe, except it won't stop going around in circles - and if you do, for goodness sake, write about your experiences.

  5. Are you reading my diary??! I related so utterly to this post-- water logged patootie and all!

  6. We kayak every year. I have horrible bones, bad luck and back to match. Each year I have watched my kayaking skills get better ( including white rapids) unfortunately my getting out skills are drastically taking a down slide. A- never use a dock do it on shore then push off B- last weekend it took husband and son to pull me up and out of the kayak even though it was at a 35 degree uphill pitch. Best part, the 32 minutes fart and laughing that prohibited me to get my ass out of the kayak thus falling into the water laughing.

  7. Okay My Lovelies (And Dave and Jerry!)

    Thank you for making me feel so much better about myself. And Dave -thanks, but no thanks on the going around in circles. Got enough of that in my OUT OF THE WATER life!

    Peachy - so glad to know that your skills improve. I'll look forward to that. Dear God - will I!

    Andrea - you ALWAYS make me feel good. I love your little face.

    xxxx Dee Dee

  8. I've had 4 different surgeries myself and can totally relate. I just THINK about getting in a kayak and I can't move.


Tell me what ya think, babe!