Back to School. Stalking is a skill set.

When I first started getting into Twitter, I followed all the big Mommy Bloggers. Nothing would be more exciting than getting a response, or horning in on a conversation one of them was having.

Until one night.

I told one of the women, in a tweet, that I thought she was fabulous, and I was stalking her with orange stained Cheetos fingers.

I laughed at my cleverness, until I logged back on to see that a couple of these big Mommy Blogger chicks were having a conversation about how they hated people who used the word: “stalk”.

Gulp. One even posted a link about a teacher that was killed by a stalker. (They didn’t note in the article if Cheetos had played a role in the murder.)

Wow. I felt terrible. Cuz I hate that kinda stuff.

So I went on to post an apology.

But I couldn’t. Cuz these two women had BLOCKED me! Not for using the “f” word, or bitching about my kids, but cuz I had manifested my adoration for them by telling them I was Twitter Stalking them.

Fast forward one year.

I still don’t use the word stalk much. Cuz I’m scared of the backlash. (Though anything that has to do with Cheetos and Stalking does make me laugh.)

But I have discovered that my stalking skills are a real boost to being involved in my childrens’ lives.

When we moved to Palm Springs, I checked out the local school, by assuming a semi-squatting position in the bushes (bougainvillea of course, kinda thorny) so I could watch the families and their kids interact with each other on their way into the school.

I actually wept, when I saw a Daddy and his little girl ride bikes to school. Then the Dad rode off, carrying that little pink bike on his shoulder.

I saw the PTA ladies talking to everyone.

I wanted to be part of that group.

So I straightened my legs, and walked into the group. That welcomed us (and my petrified, at that time, 7 year old).

So we signed up.

Every day (sometimes from the bushes, sometimes from out in the open) I watched these mothers embrace my daughter, a brand new student coming into the school in the 3rd grade.

And our lives have never been the same.

In case you want to know who I am? Drop by the middle school this week. I’m the mother who walks in the odd crouching position, hovering outside the 6th grade classrooms.

I see many touching acts of kindness. By kids and adults. Every day.

Cuz stalking? Baby, it’s a skill set.

Saturday Mornings

We had a summer filled with Saturday mornings.

Then School Started.

Which for some reason meant I got up at 4 or 5 am to get my work started, before I got my kids up at 6:15.

It seemed like a great plan for the first three days of school.

Ahem. Cuz any plan that includes Mommy only getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night is sure to be a good one right?

I must have been running on some kind of adrenaline high. Cuz I had business dinners, I was super efficient, and I even wore undergarments when delivering my daughters to their schools.

I signed up to be the school crossing guard one morning a week. Cuz in that weird, over-awake, sleep-deprived state, holding a giant metal stop sign while other mothers tried to run me down seemed like pure genius in the moment!

We are in the process of a couple of business deals. I’m negotiating, figuring out terms, supervising due diligence., developing strategy for each deal. Well, why don’t I just say it? I’m a goddess.

And I’m purging. No, not throwing up, cuz that would be wrong. I’m throwing out all the old school work from last year, going through old photos, last years handbooks, etc. Again, an odd manic state has overtaken me.

And then there was the schedule.

Get the girls up, so my older daughter can get to Middle School by 7:30. (Bell rings by 7:40 and she has to get her Sax to the band room first. We are pretty sure she is the next Clarence Clemons.)

Then bring the 2nd grader home. Feed her a second breakfast, then walk her to school at 8:00. After crossing guard duty, I get home at 9:00. And I’m sweaty. Cuz the first week of school, temps hit 115. (Don’t touch the monkey bars, no really, NOOOOOOO.)

Then, Blondie gets out of school at 1:50. ONE FIFTY. Dear God in Heaven. HELP ME!

So my work day now ends at 1:30.

Except for those two evening meetings. Which meant I didn’t get home until 9:00.

So the next morning I get up at 4 am to get started on my work.

6:00 am exercise classes . . .

By Friday? Flat on my face. Efficient? Not at all.

A smiling crossing guard? Uh, NO! (Really, you need to smoke, talk on the phone AND try and run me down, all at the same time. Now I know why the office lady complimented me on not hitting anyone with the Stop Sign.)

On Friday I got very little work done on our next potential acquisition. (By “very little” I do mean I moved the papers around on my desk. And evened up the corners of everything.)

During my exercise class I lay on the mat in the fetal position.

I did however buy a couple of items from Lane Bryant online.

I looked at Labs available for adoption.

And I did bathe. (Did I mention walking my kid to school when it was 90 degrees BEFORE 9 am?)

But the mania was gone and it was replaced by a heaviness in my limbs.

Saturday morning? Slept til 7:30. I’m a new woman. Ready to . . . crawl back in bed and watch some TV.

Back to school? I gotta come up with new plan. Carpooling anyone?

Back to School. Shit

Back to School is this week. Usually each summer I am counting the days until school starts.

Hey, in Palm Springs, when it is 115 out, you can’t really say: “Kid’s! Stop it! Go outside and play.”

(And what? Don’t get on the swing set, cuz you’ll sustain 2nd degree burns?)

So usually, with clenched jaws and the help of a teenaged girl who can take them to the water park, we get through. Cuz it turns out, none of us do well with a lot of unstructured time.

But not this summer.

This summer we discovered the mountains and kayaking and lake swimming. (Can we talk for just a minute about that ooglie stuff that you have to walk through in the lake to start the actual swimming?)

There has been fishing (catch and release Baby – I don’t want those suckers in my house . . . even if my house is a trailer), reading, movie watching and crawdad catching.

And we finally discovered the magic of being able to say: “Enough! Go outside and play . . . in the creek!”

And on our last weekend at the lake? They met other kids (trying not to judge the other trailer park people here). Imagine, kids coming over and the four of them running off in a pack to the lake, to kayak in the cove and chatter incessantly amongst themselves.

Heaven. I read three magazines and didn’t brush my teeth that day. The liberty of it all.

Now? I don’t want summer to end. These gorgeous summer days without the routine of homework, reading tests (AR tests? Anyone else?), hurry home from school to get to piano/ballet/soccer/jazz/sax (fill in your own list of endless frickin’ activities here).

WTF? School is starting?

Shit.

Tiger Beat. I know it’s wrong

My daughters have discovered magazines. In a big way.

During our first magazine shopping experience, I bought a Seventeen with Selena Gomez on the cover. Hey – she’s on the Disney channel. Why not?

OMG! When we got home and I saw the articles: Making out with my Boyfriend; Teen Pregnancy – I Kept My Baby; My Boyfriend hits me.

Oh Shit! Well, I just ripped out every inappropriate article. And handed my shocked daughters back a magazine that had about 20 bedraggled pages in it.

American Girl is just right for my little Glowie, but still, we wanted MAGAZINES. (It this the part where I tell you about my love of People and O Magazine? Will you think less of me if I add in that I read Newsweek too?)

So my older daughter wanted Car Magazines, National Geographic and Science. She’s a very sweet, serious kid.

Glowie however wanted anything with Justin Bieber on it. So I bought a Tiger Beat.

And that magazine was GOLD! GOLD I tell you! She read, QUIETLY for more than an hour. And she did this over and over again for days.

Then later I heard them fighting over it. The Tiger Beat. The magazine my older daughter sneered at. She’s no Justin Bieber fan she wanted me to know!

But locked in the quiet of their room together, THIS is the magazine they can’t get enough of!

And there are Tiger Beat knock offs. Who knew?

So if they do their chores, their homework, have a good attitude and pick up dog poop with a smile on their faces, they get magazines.

But all they really want is Tiger Beat. Sorry National Geographic. Sorry Discover.

Hello Justin.

Connected . . . Weird

It is effing hot in Palm Springs in the summer. You think you understand, but unless it is blazing into the 110’s and above . . . uh, you don’t. And don’t tell me it’s a dry heat either. Cuz Baby, that is a load of crap when it is 123 degrees in the shade!

I now understand why the summer population drops to like 204 people. (But hey, you don’t need reservations to dine out!)

So we envision our “Vacation Getaway”: You know, where we unload the car, breathe in the mountain air, and take the kids and the dogs for a walk? Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Hey, the stock market had taken a dive, so I thought that we’d be able to sweep in and pick up a lovely mountain cabin for mere chump change. Baby, we are gonna be in like Flynn – I just KNOW it!

Turns out, I was the chump.

Oh yeah, you can pick a little something up. Of course it was a recently abandoned meth lab which needs “tender loving care” (i.e. calling the Haz Mat Team).

And did I mention the “Lake” thing? Turns out if you don’t buy a property with “Lake Rights” you can’t do shit in this place, except maybe stand somewhere and watch Other People boat, fish and swim. #longingly

So we gave up.

Until my husband read an ad in the local paper about a Mobile Home for sale.

“Uh, I’m not getting a Trailer DUDE!” (Cuz you know, I’m snotty like that.)

Then he read me the price. Which INCLUDES Lake Rights. And a dock.

What? Holy Cow! Mecca Baby – Kids, get your coats, we’re going for a drive!

Then we got there. The trailers were kinda close together, so I was worried about people hearing my constant yelling at my kids, you know, so they wouldn’t bother the neighbors.

Or, yelling at the flipping dogs to shut up. So we’d be the people with the loud kids and the barking dogs and the harridan that was always YELLING at everyone.

Shit, all I needed was a cigarette hanging out of one side of my mouth while I yelled. (I want you to know, I quit smoking cigarettes out of one side of my mouth DECADES ago!)

Then we find this one little trailer, all by itself, on a hill. And I had heart palpitations.

Cuz I could yell and my kids and my dogs and no one would call Social Services OR the SPCA.


But what really sold me? It had a little outside shower . . . I have some bizarre, unnatural love of bathing outdoors. Claustrophobia mixed with a healthy dose of exhibitionism and there you go. I was sold.

So we bought this little Trailer in the woods, bought a tempurpedic bed and lots of bright colored paint and carved out a little piece of nirvana.

And this weird thing has happened to us in this 700 square foot place. If you leave your shoes out, it creates a Level 5 Hoarding situation.

But oddly enough, we feel more connected as a family in this tiny little place.

We can hear each other breathe, uh . . ., all the time. We can hear the kids playing down in the creek. We take walks together.

There is no Wii, but we did get Satellite. (I didn’t say I was a Saint, did I?)

And there is fishing (May I just say: Thank God for the Kindle, cuz that fishing shit is BORING.)

There is something precious about being snowed in, and something magical about being out on the deck in the summer.

And when we go back to our big ricocheting lives in Palm Springs, we yearn for our time together in the mountains.

Weird, right?

I’m not bendy anymore . . . Not a sex story.

So we bought a kayak.

We had this whole fantasy about buying a boat, but now that our house isn’t worth shit, but our payments are huge, the kayak seemed like the way to go.

But here’s the problem. I’m not bendy like I used to be.

Some of this is age, some of this is weight. (Hey – you try flitting around in heels carting around a couple of hundred pounds. There I said it.)

But most of this is my shitty bones and joints. Four back surgeries, a hip replacement, a major spinal fusion (uh, is there a minor spinal fusion?).

So this old girl can’t twist and turn. Shout yes. Twist and turn, not so much.

Now, the kayak. It would be the “getting in” and the “getting out” which is at issue. By “issue” I mean it is a near engineering impossibility. But I perservere. Cuz I’m an idiot like that.

There is screaming and weeping. And that is just from the guy watching me from the dock. So two big guys (one is my hunky husband) hold the kayak, cooing reassuring words at me (that would be the other guy, my husband had his jaw clenched) that it’s really stable and it won’t tip over.

After three near fatal attempts, I manage to land in and NOT dislocate my fake hip. SCORE!

A lovely evening kayak trip, enjoying the scenery and the fact that I am getting exercise SITTING DOWN! Whoo hoo!

Until it is time to get out of the kayak on another dock.

No extra set of hands and reassuring words. My husband needs to hold the kayak, so he’s not really available to help me.

Many attempts, I’m softly weeping, my husband is starting to get stern, cuz it is getting dark and I’m pretty sure I’m spending the flipping night in the kayak. Which btw, is no longer that comfortable. And don’t you think they could have told you that it fills with water so your ass is soaking wet?

I manage to slide my ass out of the kayak, with trembling arms across the splinter filled dock (no more will be said on THAT subject).

Even getting up off my back (yes, that is how I scooched across) is almost impossible cuz the dock is so narrow. So I’m standing there watching my husband get out.

And I watch, as in slow motion, the kayak moves away from the dock with his legs in the boat and his arms gripping the edge of the dock.

I’m transfixed (which is a nice way to say: I don’t move to offer an assist) as his ass ever so slowly descends into the lake and the kayak gently floats away.

I would have rushed to his aid, except I thought I was going to have a stroke myself. Why? Was I terrified for my dear husband? Well . . . uh, no. I couldn’t get any oxygen cuz I was laughing so hard.

”You know Honey, they say endorphins are good for you, right?”

Uh oh . . . I may have just peed my pants – just a little bit.

A Couple Hours in Glowie’s life. God Help Me.

On the 4th of July we went to a party by the Lake. Little Glowie had some mixed feelings about swimming cuz she thought the lake/seaweed stuff might try to get her.

Perfectly understandable. So the TaxMan walks her to the dock, cuz she wants to jump in and swim to the beach. But she panics and can’t.

Then I take her, pretty sure the reason she didn’t go is cuz her dad pressured her. Nah, she won’t go for me either. But she does eventually go with some other kids. All 34 pounds of her 7 year old self.

Off the dock, into the lake, swimming (the dog paddle, cuz hey, she’s not putting her face IN THERE).

And then, she starts screaming. Just loud, scared, did I say loud? Screams.

So I say, in my meanest, hissingest Mommy voice that everyone can hear – Glowie – stop screaming. Look at me and swim. You can scream when you get to shore. (Hey, we could have jumped in any time, but this was going to be a win for her dammit. And I didn’t really want to jump in there with all that lake/seaweed stuff myself!)

A few more blood curdling screams and cries and the lake stuff touched her legs. But she kept her eyes on me and in she swam. And we had our joyous moment, celebrating her bravery, her willingness to push through the fear and really accomplish something.

Whoo Hoo! So while she is in the outside shower, and I am holding a privacy towel up and begging her to HURRY UP, I try tucking the towel into the shower thingie. And I knock a huge piece of dry, rotted wood down – ONTO THE TOP OF HER HEAD. So I’m holding up the broken piece of wood, while now standing in the shower myself, while holding my screaming kid up to me, telling her how sorry I am that that happened.

She is screaming the words: Goose Egg.

Yes Baby, you are going to have a goose egg. One helluva Goose Egg. Mommy is so sorry.

Clean, dried and happy.

During dinner, she silently gets up and stands right off to the side next to me. I am telling a story and gesticulating wildly (cuz how else do you tell a story?) and my elbow cracks into her face.

Oh Baby, Mommy is so sorry. Oh Honey you were so close and I didn’t see you. Hugs, hugs, hugs. But now I’m starting to get Glowie-worn-out.

Now we go to this little hill to watch the Fireworks over the lake. Glowie wants to play patty cake (do you know this one? Lemonade, Ice Tea, Coca Cola, Pepsi???). Our friend Dennis says: Come over here Glowie and teach me.

Lemonade. Clap. Iced Tea. Clap. Coca Cola. Oops.

That patty cake had a little more power behind it (hey, Dennis IS a former Marine – he really puts some muscle into Patty Cake, Dammit!) Chloe lost her balance and pitched over backwards, ready to plunge down the hill.

It is only a last minute grab to the bottom of her t-shirt that Dennis is able to avert disaster and keep Glowie upright. There is more screaming, more comforting, more holding.

Now she’s got a goose egg, a black eye, and a torn T-shirt.

So when I say my little one is a handful and people say, ah, she’s not that bad – she only weighs 34 pounds, how could she be a handful?

People … This was just three hours in the life of Glowie and her Mom. And people wonder why I have all these odd nervous twitches.

Hurry Up and Get in the Car!!! Oh Shit!

So this morning I am running my kids to day camp. Which is a nice way to say that the local Parks and Rec will take your kids, for $50 a week and provide fun child care. You know, so you can work and hopefully make more than the $50 it costs to send them there.

I had an interview at my house in an hour, so the morning was filled with screams of “pick up your stuff” and “if you don’t remember your bathing suit – YOU WON’T BE SWIMMING!”. You know, cherished morning stuff.

As I pull the car out of the driveway I look down and see I forgot to change my shoes. I have on a lovely summer paisley print dress with pink and yellows. So lovely.

And my shoes? Enormous zebra print orthopedic shoes. Well, no matter I think. I have to get them to camp.

So I march them in, and hold myself high amongst the other mothers, some wearing cute kahki pants and delicate flip flops, one mother wearing a sex secretary skirt and 5 inch heels. But I hold myself like I look amazing. Cuz that’s how I try to roll in my orthopedic shoes.

I wonder why one of the mother’s that I was trying to chat up kept looking at my lovely and voluptuous bosom. Hmm . . .

Well, I get home and realize the rather “orthopedic” bra that I chose was completely exposed in the dress. Like the neckline of the dress was below the cups.

Old lady bra, ridiculous shoes. Lovely interview dress.

I plan to look amazing when I go back for the 3 pm pick up! And by amazing I mean my bra won’t show and I’m leaving the zebra comfy shoes at home.

Sleep away Camp. This one’s for Mommy

My kids are 10, Blondie and 7, Glowie. I have been dying for a break from them for about . . . 10 years. We’ve had a weekend away here and there, but never a week.

A week without my children is the stuff my sweet dreams are made of!

So I call around and find a sleepaway camp that will take 7 year olds along with our 10 year old. And off we go, in May, to spend a day there, with the kids, to check it out.

Ah, a little piece of yummy in the mountains. A lake, ATV’s, paintball, riflery, archery, roller blading, water skiing, ropes courses, well the list goes on. And on – cuz it’s that kind of place. (I believe they refer to it as HEAVEN!)

On the day of the orientation Glowie asks me if we could just leave her right then. Forget the rest of first grade – she was READY for camp now!

So we cancel our family trip to San Diego and start the enrollment process. You know: the forms, the questions, the medical documentation. And I do all of it without a complaint. Cuz I’m getting a flipping week off!!!

The big day comes, the duffel bags are packed, the checklists have been checked and rechecked (no reason not to take my hyper-anal behavior at home and apply it to camp). Everyone is in the car.

For once, we let Glowie just chat and chat and chat about all the fun she’s going to have, the friends she’s going to make, how late she is going to stay up, and the freedom she is going to have. (You just keep talking Baby – cuz Mama is counting down to her freedom too!)

Blondie is quiet, cuz she is shy and this is harder for her.

In we sweep: there is music playing and dozens and dozens of excited and amazing camp counselors greeting us and ushering us through the process.

We walk them down to the lake, set them up for some lunch, meet some more kids and counselors.

Ah, Blondie really doesn’t want us to go. Glowie however flips her hand up at me and says: Mom – shoo! Goodbye.

I’ve waited 10 years for this day. As we walk back up to the car (everything is hills in this camp – get me out of here!) I keep sneaking peeks back. Glowie is holding court and Blondie is holding her head down.

I am sick. Sick I tell you, to leave my kids at camp.

We drive away while I weep (not so gently).

And I spend the rest of the afternoon of my “vacation” with an incredible sick feeling in my stomach. Is this what the empty nest feels like? Cuz I’m miserable. If I feel like this for the whole week, it is going to suck.

And I’m totally rethinking that whole “commitment” to college thing. Maybe they should just stay home.

Then I have the first of many, many naps. Then I have the first of (well) many, many cocktails.

Then I log onto the camp website and see the pictures of them, laughing, eyes sparkling, having so much fun.

And I feel better. Now THIS is the vacation I dreamed about.

Where is fucking Mary Poppins when you need her?

Look, I’m old, I’m tired. I need a nanny. Cuz as you know, the parenting thing is way harder than I thought. Meaning, without help, I would be dead. Period.

I thought a nanny was going to fix everything. I was expecting sing-alongs and tea.

But what the hell? Who knew the goddamed nanny thing was going to be as much work as the kids? Where is the justice in that, I ask you?

Ever since Blondie was born, we’ve had a revolving door of Nannies, Baby.

How can it be that bad? Okay the first one was the most invasive person I have ever met. If Blondie (who at that time was really “Baldy”) ever started to drift off to sleep, she would wake her up. Like seriously. She needed the baby’s attention 24/7.

She would even call at night to see if we had fed the dog. Okay, we hadn’t yet, but not the point People, not the point.

We hired a lot of sweet (I’m talking honey- touched virgins) girls from the local Baptist College. That worked well until we swilled some booze or accidentally let a “fuck” or a “pussy” slip out. (You’d be amazed at how frequently those words do just tumble from our vodka coated lips.)

They came and they went in their ankle-length denim skirts and long straight hair. (I felt so at home when Big Love finally aired. Cuz I’d been living there Baby.)

Next through the revolving door, came the girl who stole my shoes. (Fucker!) Then there was the girl that was so involved planning her wedding that she forgot to take care of the kid. (Hey Babysitter Chick – you are supposed to be here, so I can ignore the kid.) There was the girl that we loved who never showed up again.

There was the English lady who used to call out in a shrill panic: “Girls, Girls please don’t bicker.” Ya, cuz THAT worked.

There was the older lady that had the most frightening smoker’s cough ever.

Now don’t get me wrong, we had some Sweet spots. There was Sara, who was 17 and a liar. No really, she lied. She told us she was going to go to the local Community College when she really had a full ride scholarship to Mount Holyoke. She was a beautiful young feminist who always believed I was the coolest person ever. I’m shallow in that a 17- year old can totally define my sense of self and well-being. (Hey, she’s 25 now, and still feeding my needy side!)

There was Tee, who hung in there with us for 4 years. She started out in black hoodies tied up over her face, making her a rather frightening presence at the elementary school. But hey, she poured love and salty/olive oil chicken into our gullets and spoiled the shit out of us. We love her sweet, unhoodie-covered face to this day.

But, the one that REALLY blew our minds, was Emily, who showed me the incredible wisdom of hiring someone 21 years of age who could run out and BUY US VODKA!

And now we have @PS_Nanny. I’d love to say something smartie pants about her, but I know she’s going to read this. And maybe even leave a comment if I work this just right.

Why did we hire her? One of the first things she ever said to me was: “You don’t scare me”. And given the fact that she declared this from her 6 ft tall height sorta scared ME. (In a hot, kinda way.)

I keep waiting for her to run through that revolving door onto the street. I try so hard not to throw myself to the ground and hold onto her leg when she walks out the door at night.

I tell my daughters that the Nanny isn’t here for them. The Nanny is here for me. Mama has needs. (Well, there is the whole “working” thing, but I try and keep that to a bare minimum.) Needs to eat, needs to never actually set foot on a soccer field for soccer practice, needs for special ballet tights which requires schlepping out to another zip code.

She’s the chick that doesn’t yell at them (cuz they get enough of that with me), makes sure everyone is eating healthy snacks (this may actually be a downside for me) and stands in my office with her arms folded if I don’t get in the shower in time to get to an appointment.

We are in our glory days right now. No one in our family needs a diaper. Not the kids, not me. (Though my Twitter Addiction may be driving a need to buy Depends. Nanny! Make a note.)

And the best part about @PS_Nanny is, that though she may not have an umbrella, she doesn’t mind running to the store for Vodka and Cheetos. #score #keeper