Sunday, July 11, 2010

Where is fucking Mary Poppins when you need her?



Look, I’m old, I’m tired. I need a nanny. Cuz as you know, the parenting thing is way harder than I thought. Meaning, without help, I would be dead. Period.

I thought a nanny was going to fix everything. I was expecting sing-alongs and tea.

But what the hell? Who knew the goddamed nanny thing was going to be as much work as the kids? Where is the justice in that, I ask you?

Ever since Blondie was born, we’ve had a revolving door of Nannies, Baby.

How can it be that bad? Okay the first one was the most invasive person I have ever met. If Blondie (who at that time was really “Baldy”) ever started to drift off to sleep, she would wake her up. Like seriously. She needed the baby’s attention 24/7.

She would even call at night to see if we had fed the dog. Okay, we hadn’t yet, but not the point People, not the point.

We hired a lot of sweet (I’m talking honey- touched virgins) girls from the local Baptist College. That worked well until we swilled some booze or accidentally let a “fuck” or a “pussy” slip out. (You’d be amazed at how frequently those words do just tumble from our vodka coated lips.)

They came and they went in their ankle-length denim skirts and long straight hair. (I felt so at home when Big Love finally aired. Cuz I’d been living there Baby.)

Next through the revolving door, came the girl who stole my shoes. (Fucker!) Then there was the girl that was so involved planning her wedding that she forgot to take care of the kid. (Hey Babysitter Chick – you are supposed to be here, so I can ignore the kid.) There was the girl that we loved who never showed up again.

There was the English lady who used to call out in a shrill panic: “Girls, Girls please don’t bicker.” Ya, cuz THAT worked.

There was the older lady that had the most frightening smoker’s cough ever.

Now don’t get me wrong, we had some Sweet spots. There was Sara, who was 17 and a liar. No really, she lied. She told us she was going to go to the local Community College when she really had a full ride scholarship to Mount Holyoke. She was a beautiful young feminist who always believed I was the coolest person ever. I’m shallow in that a 17- year old can totally define my sense of self and well-being. (Hey, she’s 25 now, and still feeding my needy side!)

There was Tee, who hung in there with us for 4 years. She started out in black hoodies tied up over her face, making her a rather frightening presence at the elementary school. But hey, she poured love and salty/olive oil chicken into our gullets and spoiled the shit out of us. We love her sweet, unhoodie-covered face to this day.

But, the one that REALLY blew our minds, was Emily, who showed me the incredible wisdom of hiring someone 21 years of age who could run out and BUY US VODKA!

And now we have @PS_Nanny. I’d love to say something smartie pants about her, but I know she’s going to read this. And maybe even leave a comment if I work this just right.

Why did we hire her? One of the first things she ever said to me was: “You don’t scare me”. And given the fact that she declared this from her 6 ft tall height sorta scared ME. (In a hot, kinda way.)

I keep waiting for her to run through that revolving door onto the street. I try so hard not to throw myself to the ground and hold onto her leg when she walks out the door at night.

I tell my daughters that the Nanny isn’t here for them. The Nanny is here for me. Mama has needs. (Well, there is the whole “working” thing, but I try and keep that to a bare minimum.) Needs to eat, needs to never actually set foot on a soccer field for soccer practice, needs for special ballet tights which requires schlepping out to another zip code.

She’s the chick that doesn’t yell at them (cuz they get enough of that with me), makes sure everyone is eating healthy snacks (this may actually be a downside for me) and stands in my office with her arms folded if I don’t get in the shower in time to get to an appointment.

We are in our glory days right now. No one in our family needs a diaper. Not the kids, not me. (Though my Twitter Addiction may be driving a need to buy Depends. Nanny! Make a note.)

And the best part about @PS_Nanny is, that though she may not have an umbrella, she doesn’t mind running to the store for Vodka and Cheetos. #score #keeper

12 comments:

  1. Day-um! Where can I get one of those @PS_Nanny. Forget the kids, they're much too old to need nanny-ing, but I sure could use the help.

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  2. Congratulations! I've given you the Sunshine Award! - http://www.dealusional.com/2010/07/sunshine-award.html

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  3. And then there is the fact that I applied for this nanny position a YEAR before I even got picked for the job! What's up with that? Mary Poppins I am not and NO, I am still NOT scared of you. The only doors I run out of are the front door when there is a damn earthquake, and there have been way too many here lately. I may feed you healthy snacks, buy your groceries and some treats, make you dinner and do your laundry, but I will NOT in any circumstance change your Depends, so we will be needing another nanny for that job when the time comes. Now, stop reading your comments and get in the damn shower, I haven't got all day to stand here and feed your ego. And besides, don't you need some Cheetos, maybe 300 little tiny bags that you need packed up for some event?

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  4. More of the Sunshine Award coming at you dear!

    http://www.mommy-mentor.com/2010/07/i-love-surprises-so-naturally-when-i.html

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  5. a once long time readerJuly 28, 2010 at 6:00 AM

    Lady, you have had a nanny since your youngest of two children was born, and in your about section you state you "never knew it would be this hard?" I'm laughing my ass off.

    Maybe we should ask your slew of nannies how hard parenting is, because obviously you wouldn't know.

    UNSUBSCRIBE.

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  6. Just checking into "The DeeView," after several weeks of traveling. Bummer to see a negative post here as I know this blogger very well as a friend, business colleague and woman of wisdom who has a very full life. Despite her edgey writing style, I find this tender mom one of the most amazing, hands on, involved parents I’ve ever seen. Plus she is active in the community and while still running a business, all with a little bit of part time help in the afternoons. It's always so hard to get the true sense of a person plus I think there is a public persona and a private persona we all have too. When we put ourselves "out there" in the public - there will be folks who don't know us as well. Of course everyone's opinion is valid based on the collected knowledge they have about an individual - I guess that's why I decided to write today. Because Dee Dee is my friend and I just wanted to share my personal knowledge about her. Here's to the DeeView and all the views on the internet and in the world that make up our planet. Keep up the good work DeeView.

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  7. Dear A Once Long Time Reader,

    While your comment kind of left me wondering who you are I realized you probably aren't someone I would want to know anyway. With that said, @TheDeeView is an amazing Mom, she not only works hard at parenting she works hard at everything she does. She runs a business, takes care of her family, loves her children, takes time to blog because if she didn't I would go crazy, and she does know how hard parenting is. The best part of her parenting is that she shares it, openly, honestly and puts it out there for all to read because she knows she isn't the only one who thinks parenting is hard, I am not only the nanny to this amazing family, but I am also a parent. Parents who are able to hire true nannies to care for their family are amazing and they know the true value of a nanny in their home, maybe since you haven't worked side by side with an amazing family it leaves you jealous or maybe just clueless!

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  8. To once long time reader: Your last comment makes me wonder how a "once long time reader" has followed this blog so long as to have NOT figured out that it's just not a good match for you. How did you manage to hang in there, hiding among the rest of us reader-parents who-- even if having not directly encountered the uneven territory that is the stuff of the experiences shared here -- at least possess the grace to allow the writer "the right" to know, articulate, share and be the judge and jury of her own feelings about being a parent-- hard or otherwise.

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  9. To a once long time reader. I live next door to @TheDeeView and am privileged to consider them friends & neighbors for these past three years. I don't know how they keep up with all they have going on in their daily lives. Their "nanny" is a godsend in helping keep this family organized and running. Do not judge based on tongue in cheek hysterically funny prose. This is a family filled with love, wit, fun and tenacity.

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  10. seriously - you ought to write a book... your stories are hilarious and the way that you tell them are so engaging, funny and genuine! I'd buy a book if you wrote it and it was like the posts on your blog! Funny stuff.

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  11. Darling DieverDog - I am writing a book. Well, at least I commited to it in the local paper! Half way there: http://www.mydesert.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=20107310344

    You are so sweet . . . I'm sending you kisses.

    Marilyn, Jerry, Dorothy, Andrea - thanks for the LOVE

    Tara - @PS_Nanny - she takes such good care of me! I love her. She makes me a better mom. I love the Team Approach whenever I can get it! LOL.

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  12. I have only one thing to say... Gawd, iloveyou!

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Tell me what ya think, babe!