What the fuck am I doing on Twitter? Oh, having the time of my life.

There is a philosophy that people on Twitter have “no life”. I beg to differ. Twitter makes my hectic, intense life richer. You know, like caffeine. So fuck you and take that.

Now that I have achieved the goal 1000 followers (and I can rest on my ass) I have Twitter tips.

There was a price to pay to build 1000 followers in 3 months (one at a time, no viral marketing). I reduced my interaction time with my husband and children. I stopped socializing with people I really enjoyed. I watched less TV. And I loved every minute of it.

Here’s how I did it. (Oh, and I didn’t even have a blog. I do now. Please check out http://www.thedeeview.blogspot.com/ .)

1) Tweet your ass off. The more you tweet, the more followers you will have.

2) Check your Twittername on the right. That’s how you know if people are retweeting you, or mentioning you or even better, saying something to you in response to one of your tweets. (Hey, I didn’t know this at first!) This is the most fun part when I sit down to tweet, to see if anyone is responding to a prior comment.

3) When you are ready to turn in for the night, or head out for your day (unless of course your day is spent in front of the computer) make sure you have a “good” tweet up. I know, but some of the stuff I say is very stupid. Maybe more than some . . . Remember when you show up on a list of “followers” or “following” on a Twitter list, all someone sees is your name, pic and YOUR LATEST TWEET!
a. BTW, you can delete a Tweet. So if you say something incredibly idiotic you can go in and TAKE IT BACK. Unlike life.

4) Have a narrative. I want a story, not links to things you are selling. Have a personality. If I look at your profile and I don’t see that, I’m not following you. You bore me. (Now you can be selling something and still say interesting things in between sales pitches.)
a. Retweets - Only Retweet if it is really special, personal or funny. Remember, retweets don’t make a narrative.
b. Quotes – Quotes just suck. Unless they are important to your narrative, or exceptional, don’t do it.
c. You narrative can be Mommies, Sports, Football, Politics, Real Estate or everything wrapped together.

5) I don’t use Tweetdeck or anything else. I use old fashioned Twitter. (And yes, we still have a VCR somewhere in our house.) Maybe I should stop, but as long as I do, I select certain people to have their tweets come to my phone. Out of the 1000 people I follow, maybe 10 come to my phone. This allows me to really understand someone’s story, who they are and what they are trying to say. (If they suck, I just click them OFF.) Then I am “tuned in” to them, and can interact with them, using “mention”, accordingly. This really facilitates building a relationship.

6) Speaking of interacting, this is the most fun part of Twitter. I watched the Golden Globes with a group of very funny women online. Comments on fashion and stupidity made the viewing process fun. Everyone I saw, I would “mention” their name with a comment. The whole time I was checking my Twitter name to see who had responded to me. That kept the conversation going. With all that chatter, I picked up another dozen followers. And I already have several dates to Tweet the Academy Awards. (My husband loves watching football on Sunday with other Twitter fans, cuz God knows, I don't give a shit about watching the game with him.)

7) Remove those who don’t follow back, especially if they are boring. Give them a week, or so but unless they are adding something to your conversation in your news feed, get rid of them! The ultimate goal is to have more followers than you are following. This is very good for people who are needy and seek external validation.

8) Search and follow. Go into the people who are the most interesting and follow whomever they are following. Check out who has them “listed”. Then follow all those people.

9) Save your Direct Messages for things that are personal, embarrassing or don’t add to your narrative. But wherever possible, use “Mention” and get that person’s name out there. (As well as your own.)

10)You decide – Your real name or not. Your real photo or an icon. To swear or not to swear. (I have found swearing ups my number of follows.)

My current favorite Mommy tweeters: @Renegademoms , @Mommywantsvodka @PS_Nanny, @MiddleAgedMomma, @Ieatmykidzsnack @Mommyisdating

@Madfashionista stands in a category all her own. But if you like fashion and fashion commentary, she's your girl. (She gets the whole "Fat Chic" thing too.)

@KirstieAlley Hey, you may not love her, but she is a brilliant example of an ongoing Twitter narrative, and she is surprisingly candid and funny.

Business people who really know how to tell a story: @LeslieBriskman @Taxgirl, @Taxes007