Sunday, March 28, 2010

Mrs. Mommy – Can I see you for a minute?

Here is what I hate. Going to school to pick up my kids and the teacher says:

I’m so glad you are here.

Uh, you are? I’m just here picking up my kid.

I’m sure YOUR daughter has informed you of the SITUATION.

The Situation? What Situation? (I start feeling a little uncomfortable and oddly defensive or oddly uncomfortable and a little defensive.)

Does this have something to do with the project I’m supposed to be running for the class? Cuz I’ve been a little bit behind (ah, thank you Twitter) but I’ll totally get to it … This week? (Oh wait, tomorrow is Follow Friday.) Next week?

Are you unaware of the SITUATION in the room involving your child?

Uh…totally unaware, it appears.

Then the “surprise” conference takes place. The same drill: she hasn’t been turning in her homework; she has been disrupting class; she has no respect for authority. (The whole time I am SO happy that no one has yet mentioned inappropriate use of the “F” word. As though there MIGHT be an appropriate use for a 7 year old anywhere.)

I just know when I drive home after the “I’m glad you are here, we have a SITUATION” conference, I am filled with shame. As though I have done something wrong. Is it that Little Chair thing, the teacher standing and speaking while I sit in the little chair, my ass hanging over both sides? Cuz I find sitting in the little chair hearing about the SITUATION brings back some painful flashbacks.

After working through the flashback part, I move ahead to being pissed off at the person who is responsible for my sitting in the little chair. The person responsible for the SITUATION.

Then there are the threats Clean up this behavior cuz if I ever get blindsided by the teacher again you’ll be picking up dog poop for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. (As though someone else was actually going to pick up the dog poop.) You’ll never wear fake nails again, for as long as you live!

Followed quickly by the motivational speech. You can do it, you are smart, you are an awesome kid, you CAN control yourself. (This isn’t dysfunctional right? This isn’t the first sign of a bipolar diagnosis is it?)

Cuz I find sitting on those little tiny chairs hearing some unexpected bad news from a grade school teacher, must bring back some painful flashbacks. You know, when I was the one not turning in homework, disrupting the other kids, unable to keep my hands to myself etc.

Like mother, like daughter.


  1. Isn't it so hard to parent the naughtiness when you did the same as a child? I mean they don't know THAT, but still feels a bit hypocritical(maybe it's just me) LOL And those damn NOT fat ass friendly...not that I think YOURS fat, but mine is! ;)

  2. Not adult-ass friendly, fat or otherwise. (Mine's the former.)

    I so did not have homework until middle school. I HATE homework. It's mostly an exercise in busy work, not supplementary to the classroom teaching. If it weren't so mundane, my kids would probably do it, wouldn't yours? And don't give me the "It teaches discipline," reason, Mr. Teacher. They have chores and bedrooms to keep clean for that. I think I may boycott homework next year citing "family values."

  3. Hey, I've been following your tweets for a while and really enjoy your blog. Personally, I think the tiny chairs are a torture device. Yes, my ass is fat. I have been known to block the sun on occasion. But is it too much to ask that they have one big-ass chair available?

    As to the homework, my son is now a middle schooler. And now he has less homework than he did in 2nd grade. How the hell does that work?

  4. I totally love you! Big ass or no..seriously it's ridiculous + she has a grown up chair..right? I hate, hate the impromptu conference. Hey lady..I'm going to need just a small heads up b/f we start using words like "situation"

  5. Next time stand up and loom over her (like an eclipse blocking out the sun, if you must). The teacher, that is. Why should you have to sit? I'm always afraid those chairs are going to break!

  6. This story reminds me of a similar situation with my daughters pre-school. Every time I'd go to pick her up I'd be expecting a lecture on how she can't behave like that.

  7. My child thinks that because he tells me all the bad stuff that goes on that he shouldn't get in trouble. HMMMMM

  8. I love it!! I go overboard on the motivational speeches!! Like they last a good 30 kids rolling their eyes at times adds 5 minutes!! LOL But it keeps me from having "situations"

  9. There's nothing in the world like a spontaneous parent-teacher conference to make the PARENT feel about 2 feet tall!

  10. Did you ever WET YOUR PANTS in school? Enough said.

  11. For me it was the telephone calls. It got to the point that I cringed every time the phone rang during the day. I am so glad that part of our lives is finally over.

    Good luck remedying the SITUATION.

  12. I was a "model" child. And by model, I mean "perfectly behaved" not posing in the Sears Catalog. But for some reason, I always felt (and still feel) like I did something wrong. Oh, I dread the day when my boys are old enough for me to have to take responsibility for their bad behavior!

  13. Well, I was a suck up and goodie goodie (okay I talked a hell of a lot) in school. But as a teacher, nothing is more embarrassing than having a "Teacher's Kid", like a Preacher's Kids, but with less pressure from the pulpit. Yep, my kids was the Pre-K kid who punched a boy in the nose (and that little twerp so deserved it), my boy was the one who got the Orange or Red Light EVERY 'effin' day instead of the GREEN light. Yes, my little angel made me cringe everytime the phone rang. Sighhhhhh

  14. I was a horrible student growing up. I am expecting major payback :(


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