Sunday, April 4, 2010

I have an unnatural relationship with Zappos.

I mean unnatural, probably illegal in several states. Zappos and I have one of 'those' a special relationship. If I tweeted this much with a guy, I think my husband would have grounds. I know you think this blog is all about shoes. Ah…Well, what is wrong with that? It is simply a metaphor for MY LIFE and SELF WORTH.

It is one of those cyber relationships, if you will. I pay for the attention and affection. But that doesn’t make it any less real or meaningful in my life.

I mean it's ZAPPOS. We all know what Zappos is . . . right?

No? Oh Christ... It's like the American Cinderella’s dream. It makes Fairy Tales look ridiculous and banal. It is shoes, tens of thousands of shoes. Whore shoes, classy shoes, wedding shoes, comfort shoes, work shoes, kids shoes, men’s shoes. And they all get to you within 24 hours.

Let me explain part of my bizarre (well, NOT bizarre!) attachment to Zappos comes from the calm inducing effects of just shopping on their web site. While the kids are screaming, and there is no hope of dinner in sight, and I am just DONE being a mom for that day (okay, for that year, week) I lose myself in the Zappos website, throwing 6 inch high, brilliant hued, $400 dollar shoes, emblazoned with feathers into a basket. When my total is $3,000, I can empty the basket (almost), and return to dinner, parenting, you know that kind of stuff.

When the UPS truck pulls up with that gorgeous (BIG) white box, with the Zappos logo (love the shoe/exclamation point – hah! You are looking it up now aren’t you?) my children run into the house screaming, Mommy, the Zappos box is here, IT IS HERE Mommy!

Now you can try those suckers on in the privacy of your own home, bad crop yoga pants, (which aren’t that fresh), raccoon eyes (cuz you are too lazy to wash your face from last night) morning breath (which may have lasted all day, and has a disturbing exponential quality to it).

Plus you've got your entire wardrobe, just waiting to try on with each pair of shoes. You can twirl like Julie Andrews, you can crump like you are on So You Think You Can Dance (well, I don’t actually understand crumping, but I do a set of gyrations that are quite effective to test out new shoes), you can strut like you are on America’s Next Top Model (Super Plus Size Edition).

And after you have selected your ah…priceless treasures (this is a nice way of saying Come Eff Me Pumps), or amazing fuschia athletic shoes (cuz I know I walk faster in fuschia), or the latest in Ugg knockoffs (I live in Palm Springs, where real sheepskin boots are essential for those three bitterly cold days of winter), or comfort shoes (having to buy comfort shoes just sucks) can pack anything that did not go with those grungy yoga pants back in the box and Zappos has them whisked away, on THEIR tab.

I find this more gratifying than an attentive man during sex. (I could wax on about the use of certain shoes during sex, but that would be wrong. #prude)

Now with our every busy freaking lives, we may not have family dinner hour together every night (and if we do, it is highly likely to be fast food takeout) but we do have FAMILY ZAPPOS time!

This is where everyone, quietly gathers around the big white box and, zippp, we unseal it’s magnificence. The children reverentially open each box, then suggest which pair I try on first. They are trying on shoes also. There may not be any shoes in the box for them, but even my 10 year old Tomboy daughter likes to strut her stuff in a crazy pair of Mama’s shoes.

These decisions, about Mommy’s shoes, they are family decisions. There are flip charts, pro and con lists, price analysis . . . and alas, I don’t keep every pair. But this is my Mommy Pay Off. It doesn’t happen often (enough) but when it does, it brings us together.

Cuz the family that shoe shops together (in the comfort of their own living room) stays together. (Really, where are my kids going to go? Pretty far in their stinking cute Vans, or Converse or Bear Paws.)

What else in life provides all of this, I ask you?

Marriage? (Your wants and needs met within 24 hours? Ah, #no)

Kids? (So far, Zappos has yet to pout, sulk, or tell me I don’t understand them.)

Friends? (They just tell me to get out of cyberspace, something Zappos has never done!)

Family? (Uh, even Zappos understands my need to Tweet. And they tweet with me – HEAVEN!)

Zappos maybe doesn’t hold me at night, but I can surround myself with beautiful shoes, all tucked around me in bed (like my daughter with her stuffed animals) and have the sweetest dreams.

Yeah, something about this isn’t natural. And neither is using a vibrator . . . but the results are equally as orgasmic. Shoes…A woman’s salvation…

Thank you, so much for reading my blog. It makes me feel all gooey. (I live for Blog Hits.) If you’d like, please leave your blog address in the comment below. (It appears I’m too technologically challenged to find you on my own!) ( Also, I may be very busy trying on shoes.) xxx Dee Dee


  1. Oh my God, I was right! You ARE a Zappos whore! I love how you manage to incorporate the family, too. Good quality time is so hard to fit in these days. ;) Some day, I want to visit your collection of shoes, I mean you...

  2. I love that I've never seen you in the same pair of shoes twice! I've seen those same ol' crop yoga pants far too often, however! Aren't you glad we practice Pilates without shoes? Ummmmm.... perhaps not.

  3. I too share your obsession! Oh and the customer service (OOOH the Customer Service) it's too much, for words! I bought a pair of super cute shoes for my 1 yo that were 25$ cheaper than they were in the local boutique AND they showed up the next day!


  4. I have the same issues with handbags. I've never seen one I didn't like.

  5. You make me want to go shopping (on the Zappos site of course) I have used Zappos before so I know they are amazingly wonderful and have the best customer service. I may have to try doing it your way though, so I can get the big white box on my doorstep too!


Tell me what ya think, babe!