Okay, I’ll get to the Goddess part in a minute, but first you must know, I just had a hip replacement last year. I know, little kids AND a hip replacement. My bones are shit. What can I tell you?
So I suffer through with my fucking walker, then my cane, then my limpy, gimpy walk. I get through the first 6 months in practical, orthopedic, mother-fucking ugly shoes.
But at the 6 month mark I feel GREAT. Not 100% but better than I’ve felt in years.
Finally, finally, finally I get to put on something other than butt-ugly padded strap Velcro shoes. When I put on a pair of 5 inch heels, I feel like I look 50 pounds thinner. 50 pounds! I feel amazing.
My feet may be bleeding, but I think I look good – waddle aside.
So, of course when we hosted a business event a few weeks ago, I strapped those 5 inch stilettos on. I could NOT walk in these shoes, of course, so I just planted myself in one spot.
I had a wonderful time accepting complements on my amazing shoes and fabulous sense of style. I discussed business and hopefully picked up a few new clients. But I also had a couple of martinis (they were brought to me, for reasons which should be quite obvious by now).
After that I began asking our guests if anyone had a vicodan, so I could squeeze another 20 minutes out of my party shoes.
But I am telling you, I put on these high heels and I feel like an Amazon Goddess.
I feel like I’ve got Michelle Obama’s arms and Arnold Schwarneggers abs. I have a mental picture of myself that is HOT HOT HOT!
Of course, I am too “full-figured” to actually bear these 5 inch torture rack heels for more than about an hour. That’s why I carry a fabulous bag with orthopedic, shower flip flops in it.
So anyone that showed up more than an hour into the party, you will find me in my wonderful hip, plus-size outfits (which really rock with my heels, not so much with rubber flip flops), and think “my, that mildly attractive woman has on a cute outfit, but what was she thinking leaving the house in those shoes???”
Sigh, there goes the Amazon Goddess.