Monday, February 8, 2010

Why Is The Fucking Heater On?

Besides WISDOM, getting older gives you…Hot flashes. You know, THE CHANGE (how quaint people named things in the 1950s).

Now I had seen women with hot flashes and thought: “Good God Honey, suck it up.” Besides I live in Palm Springs in the summertime, how bad can that be? Pussies.

Oh.

Okay, turns out the term ‘hot flashes’ do not do this life-transforming experience justice. The hot ‘flash’ (a complete misnomer since there is nothing quick or fucking fleeting about it) is a deep hot burning which begins inside your bone marrow and makes you want to tear your clothes off, and in not in the good way. Right – cuz “that way” is fucking over, cuz you are in menopause and need air. Air conditioning, a fan, get the heater off!

“Air, NOW!”

Yeah, nothing sexy about that.

Great, now I have to buy these little ice packs that you put in your bra.
Yes, this is what my happiness now depends on. Temperature controlled breasts.

So, I deeply apologize to all the schvitzing women whom I disparaged as weenies. Hot flashes completely ruined my life. People would ask me in public, if I was aware that my face was, ah, quite … red, flushed. Was I all right? Did they need to call someone?

Once someone touched my back to see if I was okay, and pulled their hand back in quick revulsion. I was so wet and so hot, it was, well, repellent.

And I was a bitch. A big bitch. Bigger than the usual Bitchy, Worn-Out Mommy Bitch that I usually am.

Therefore, with great humility and desperation I succumbed to Hormone Replacement Therapy.

Really, there is a moment where you think – I don’t care what kind of horrible cancer I get. If these hot flashes and fits of rage don’t stop someone will be seriously injured. And I don’t like jail. Those jump suits would not be figure flattering to the full-figured girl.

And guess what Hormone Replacement Therapy gave me? Periods.

Ah, the fucking cycle of life! At least my boobs aren’t on ice anymore.

4 comments:

  1. Good grief! That sucks to get a period back. Sucks big time! I have not had a hot flash before, but from what you, and other women have told me, I am not really sitting around waiting for them! Yikes! Like women who feel old really need more shit like that huh?

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  2. Oh Darling - Bask in your youthful years. Mama will be here when you need me to hold you. And I'll hold you, even if you are all hot and sticky! xxxx

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