Now I had seen women with hot flashes and thought: “Good God Honey, suck it up.” Besides I live in Palm Springs in the summertime, how bad can that be? Pussies.
Oh.
Okay, turns out the term ‘hot flashes’ do not do this life-transforming experience justice. The hot ‘flash’ (a complete misnomer since there is nothing quick or fucking fleeting about it) is a deep hot burning which begins inside your bone marrow and makes you want to tear your clothes off, and in not in the good way. Right – cuz “that way” is fucking over, cuz you are in menopause and need air. Air conditioning, a fan, get the heater off!
“Air, NOW!”
Yeah, nothing sexy about that.
Great, now I have to buy these little ice packs that you put in your bra.
Yes, this is what my happiness now depends on. Temperature controlled breasts.
So, I deeply apologize to all the schvitzing women whom I disparaged as weenies. Hot flashes completely ruined my life. People would ask me in public, if I was aware that my face was, ah, quite … red, flushed. Was I all right? Did they need to call someone?
Once someone touched my back to see if I was okay, and pulled their hand back in quick revulsion. I was so wet and so hot, it was, well, repellent.
And I was a bitch. A big bitch. Bigger than the usual Bitchy, Worn-Out Mommy Bitch that I usually am.
Therefore, with great humility and desperation I succumbed to Hormone Replacement Therapy.
Really, there is a moment where you think – I don’t care what kind of horrible cancer I get. If these hot flashes and fits of rage don’t stop someone will be seriously injured. And I don’t like jail. Those jump suits would not be figure flattering to the full-figured girl.
And guess what Hormone Replacement Therapy gave me? Periods.
Ah, the fucking cycle of life! At least my boobs aren’t on ice anymore.
Good grief! That sucks to get a period back. Sucks big time! I have not had a hot flash before, but from what you, and other women have told me, I am not really sitting around waiting for them! Yikes! Like women who feel old really need more shit like that huh?
ReplyDeleteOh Darling - Bask in your youthful years. Mama will be here when you need me to hold you. And I'll hold you, even if you are all hot and sticky! xxxx
ReplyDeleteOne word. Ablation.
ReplyDelete