Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Letter to the Mommy Tweeters and Bloggers

It is my birthday this Thursday. I will be 51. (Hey, don't click away cuz you think you have nothing in common with me - yet!) Which makes me the age of most of your mothers. (If I am old enough to be your fucking grandmother, you should not be reading this blog or my Tweets.)

Which makes me self-conscious. I know most of my Twitter Bitter Mommy friends are in their 30’s. I just read that one of you will be turning 30 this summer. Yikes! (And yes, Aunt Becky, getting out of your 20’s changes everything, for the better!)

I had my kids in my 40’s. There were all sorts of advantages. First, I didn’t meet the Tax Man until I was 35. We didn’t get married until I was 37. Now he is one awesome dude, and well worth the wait. Cuz we have quite a thing going on!

We had a successful business enterprise that we built together. We had resources. We had a calmness about us. We also had each been married before and could really appreciate what we had found in one another.

So age gave us an amazing marriage, a solidly successful business, calm maturity and resources.

My spotty health history probably impacted our ability to get pregnant, so after we did the fertility thing (all while my daddy was dying), and by the time it all worked out I was 40 when we adopted our sweet Blondie. (Damned good thing we had those resources!)

By the time our second baby came along, I was 44.

Which wasn’t such a big deal where we used to live. I found a group of about 4 older moms, all around 40ish. We were liberals in a conservative town, hanging together and comparing our joint pain and stiff backs when we picked up the babies.

And it’s not such a bad thing in Palm Springs. Most of our friends are gay, childless couples our age. The parents at the kids’ elementary school are all younger than I am, but they are mostly real women, with bellies and bad crop pants, just like me.

But then I found this great community on Twitter. And my life changed. Cuz I found the Real Yummy Mummies. And by Yummy Mummies I mean Mom’s who knew what Yummy really was: pop tarts, cupcakes, swearing, vodka, beer, sex (that one is for you @Mommyisdating) bitchin’ about their kids.

And there was nothing sappy about these women. And I felt good. I felt at home. I felt safe, understood and cyber loved. (Hey I’m needy – I take love and adulation wherever I can get it.)

And then I realized that I was old. Older. No, old actually. There are grandmas out there tweeting who are younger than I am. And I knew I was REALLY old when I posted about menopause, my pussy and Hormone Replacement Therapy and one of my favorite Moms commented: “My mom LOVES her Hormone Replacement Therapy!” (@Randaroopoo – I love you so much.)

So I write all these Tweets and Blogs about being so old. Cuz I feel old next to 30 somethings. (Are you all too young to remember the show “thirty something”?) So I haven’t wanted to say my age. And when some of you asked, I would only tell you in a DM.

And it is one thing to say “I am 50”, and another to say "51”. (I know, if you are in your 30’s, there is no difference between 50 and 51.)

But here is my commitment as a blogger. I will tell the truth. Hopefully I can make you laugh, and most importantly I want others to feel like someone “gets” them. I want to say the shit that many think but are too afraid to say out load. Cuz I’m older, I’m braver, I’m more therapized. So listen to me, the Older Bitter Mother. I’m here to guide you through.

Cuz in my 30’s I was thin, hot, a successful career chick, married, divorced, dating, sick, well, then married to The Tax Man and childless.

In my 40’s I was NOT hot, still successful running our family business, very married, sick, well and a mom. A bit of a bitter mom, certainly a tired mom, but a mom.

For my 50’s my goal is to be hot, successful in my own right, run a majorly successful business, blog, write a book, do a show, be well, be a mom of perfect angels who never bother me while I accomplish my goals, and not be embarrassed of my age.

Cuz I’m 51 on Thursday. And I’m needy. So love me up. And dammit – respect your elders!


  1. Happy Almost Birthday! And don't worry about us 30-somethings (yes, I remember the show), most of us don't know what the hell we're talking about, anyway. Pass the wine.

  2. I'm turning 40 tomorrow and want you to know that you are one wild mom and (blushing) one of my heroes... Happy Early Birthday- Live it up.

  3. I'm 38 and my sisters are 51, 53 and 54. I can relate to you just fine!

  4. Happy birthday. Nice post. Good story. I wanted you to know that there are some of us who are not that young who are doing this. It is hard, and it is not natural, and I am not a mommy blogger. I am a friend and a storyteller and sharer of awesome information blogger. But still, this whole social media thing is a jungle to me, and I'm trying to find my way around. Thanks for being a great example. And stop by. I'd love your advice! The website is called anonymous8.

    Sarah Baron

  5. Love your post! I especially love it because my 2 best friends are 40 and 44 and are just now having kids. I have the utmost respect for mamas that believe that when it comes to having kids, age ain't nothing but a number. You go, Mama...and Happy Birthday!

    -From a 30-something who actually remembers *thirty something* and thought those people seemed really old at the time. Ha!


  6. Happy Birthday, hot stuff!!

    My mom is 65, so you're safe there. LOL

    The thing about being a mom? It doesn't matter the age, we are ALL bonded to each other in this shared insanity.

  7. I love you for so many reasons, Sweets. You're a pisces. You're a pro-choicer. You love your drink. You love your kids but admit they drive you fucking nuts. We have so much in common. I remember thirty-something ... I was in love with Michael. I only take issue with one of your statements: that you're not hot. "Hot" is relative. "Hot" is being comfortable with who you are and feeling sexy in your own skin, even if your skin is wrinkly, sagging in some parts, a little puckery and dimpled in others, and sporting some spots you didn't have four years ago. (No people, I haven't seen her naked. I'm speaking from experience.) By all accounts, woman, you are HOT!! And in just a few short days I officially will be closer to 50 than 40. Pave the way for me, 'kay? xoxoxoxoxo

  8. Love it!!!! Attitude never ages and you have a great one!
    Although I'll just be 35 this year, I remember 30-Something! Great show!


  9. You're damn sexy, yo. Happy Birthday!

  10. ha! I'm so sorry I missed your drunk tweets! Oh and my mom is way older than you. She's going to be 60 this year! So no worries! I honestly don't see ages at all on Twitter or the blogs unless someone actually mentions it. I still think I'm around 21 at times, which happened this weekend when I found out that I am not 21 and cannot hang at all anymore. Can't we just stop our ages at some point? I mean why can't we all just be 21? Is that a good number? I remember 21, I was thin and hot and dancing in the clubs. Now I'm too fat to dance in the clubs. I was sweating like a big dog this weekend, and having asthma attacks on the dance floor.

  11. Way to own it. I love your goals for your 50s, although the whole kids not bothering you thing .. good luck with that.

  12. Dear, no children are going to drop out of this twat so I don't know what it is like to be a mommy; mutha, perhaps, but not a mommy. I do wish my dear mother was half as fun, half as sexy, and, yes, half as sarcastic as you. And remember... I will ALWAYS be 10 years OLDER than you! So shake another martini! Happy Birthday a day early. Kisses....

  13. In honor of your birthday, I'd like to share three of the MANY things you have taught me over the years (these stick with me the most, I'd say).
    1. Marry a sweet, supportive, loving partner, but for God's sakes, make sure he has financial potential and motivation.
    2. Crash dieting will never work, so eat fucking carbs.
    3. Would you please put some fucking sunscreen on your face?
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! xoxoxoxox

  14. Excellent post. Happy birthday! :)

  15. Happy birthday, babe! We all stay 21 under our skin, some of us are lucky enough to realize it and still have fun, no matter our "real" age. Just turned 49 myself and although my kids are grown, I remember how it was. Love 'em and they made me crazy! P.S. That doesn't ever really stop - just recently found out my 19 yo has tattoos!! *GAH*

    Have fun on your day!

  16. Happy Birthday! Keep up the GREAT blogging!


Tell me what ya think, babe!